Jane and Joe have been married for 11 years, and they have spent those years building a rich life—raising children, staying connected to family across the country, excelling in their careers.

Jane has always admired Joe’s sense of self-assuredness. When they first started dating, she was taken aback by his willingness to give a direct opinion and offer it with confidence, but not conceit. She was drawn to his direct way of speaking, readiness to engage in conversations that tap into issues below the surface, and ability to hold his own viewpoint even when others’ express disagreement. She tended to worry about the way her voice would fall on others’ ears, often second-guessing herself or tailoring her views to fit the environment she was in.

One of the qualities Joe admired most in Jane was her sensitivity to the needs and wishes of others. He was struck by her ability to adapt to new contexts, often moving through new roles and environments with a grace that made everyone around her more comfortable. Joe saw Jane as remarkably “in tune” with others and willing to generously put their needs and wishes at the forefront. He always found it challenging to read others’ and her seemingly effortless ability to do so impressed him.

Over the past year, Jane and Joe have fallen into a pattern of wishing for the other to be different. They have felt stuck in patterns of conflict that only seem to get more intense, the more they try to work through them. Joe describes Jane as “impossible to reach,” describing her shutting down whenever he gives her feedback or tries to talk about their dynamic. Jane describes Joe as constantly “criticizing me and making me feel like nothing I do is right.” Over time, Jane has felt so hurt by Joe, that she has stopped engaging with him with an open heart and focused more on protecting herself than being close to him. Joe has felt this shift and become more persistent in his direct efforts to “change” things between them often coming to Jane with monologues about what he thinks is going wrong, which has made her further shut down.

Often times, the traits that first drew partners together are the same traits at the core of fraught patterns that develop during conflicts. Without effective ways to notice, handle, and move closer, couples can start to perceive these very traits as problems, barriers to closeness, or characteristics they wish away. When this happens, we tend to stop seeing the nuance in our partner’s behavior, but instead we view their actions as personal slights against us or roadblocks in our way. After repeated attempts to “eliminate the problem” no longer work, we often shift our focus away from problem-solving in the partnership and turn our attention to self-preservation. We stop attempting to share the way our partner is making us feel, asking for our needs to be met. This pattern is a common way separateness begins.

Maybe, Jane is most prone to feeling criticized by Joe because his opinion matters to her more than anyone else’s. Maybe she is feeling shakey about the place she holds in his heart, making her more prone to translate feedback into criticism. Maybe she expects herself to be exactly what he needs at all times, making any sign he has a wish unfulfilled a marker of her failure. Maybe Joe is insecure about his ability to connect with people fully, often feeling others view him as judgmental or “intense.” Perhaps Jane was one of the first people who made him feel like there was safety in being direct, making him trust her more and more with his unfiltered thoughts. Maybe he feels like an inadequate communicator when she feels criticized by her, when in fact, he thinks incredibly highly of her and only shares feedback with her because of his belief in their ability to continue to grow.

If we can come to a place of viewing our partner’s best qualities as nuanced, dynamic, and complex—we can view our partner that way too. We can stay in the game of “us” and be curious about why, in this moment, this trait is impacting me in this way, when, in many other moments, I admire this trait? What do I bring to this moment? These are parts of my partner I know and love, so how can I navigate the pain they are causing me in this moment in a way that prioritizes our closeness?

Jane and Joe are fictional characters. Their story is a composite drawn from recurring themes in my work with couples and is not based on any single relationship.

What’s Reassurance Seeking?

Do you find yourself asking questions like, “do you think I handled that meeting okay?” or “do you think what I said was weird?” These questions seem harmless on the surface-a desire for some reassurance-but over time, they can sneakily feed self-doubt and exacerbate the anxiety you’re attempting to soothe.

Reassurance seeking is one of the most common symptoms of anxiety and OCD. It can look a lot of different ways but some common forms of reassurance seeking in high-achieving people include:

-repeatedly checking emails/texts to make sure they are sufficient before sending

-asking questions in different ways or saying the same thing over and over to promote a certain response from the person you’re talking to

-asking others to clarify that everything is okay (e.g., “what do you think about how I responded?” “I feel like that made sense, right?” “I would know if something was wrong, don’t ya think?”

Reassurance seeking often comes up in individuals who care deeply about their impact on others and their performance in their roles. Generally, individuals start seeking reassurance to assuage a fear that they’re making a mistake, someone is upset with them, or their performance was subpar.

Why Do We Seek Reassurance?

The short answer is that it feels good! Getting reassurance in a moment of uncertainty provides immediate relief. If I’m unsettled about an interaction and a friend says, “no I thought you seemed totally comfortable,” I get a quick soothing to my anxiety. For people who are high-achieving and used to handling tasks with precision, the natural ambiguity and uncertainty that come up in life can be very unsettling, so it makes sense reassurance seeking could become a method to try to control the discomfort.

If Reassurance Seeking Provides Relief, What’s the Issue?

The relief is short-lived. The pattern of feeling anxious and then getting immediate relief through reassurance seeking teaches our brain that the “solution” to the discomfort of the unknown is to find some sort of external validation. This makes us crave reassurance more frequently and weakens our own sense of trust in ourselves and belief in our ability to handle the discomfort of the unknown.

What’s the Alternative to Reassurance Seeking?

There are lots of ways to break a pattern of habitual, excessive reassurance seeking. A few steps I like to guide my clients through include:

-            Slowing down: Notice the pull to seek reassurance and take a breath so you get to make a decision to proceed or not

-            Acknowledging the anxiety underneath the desire for the reassurance: Oh, this is one of those moments, post-social-outing, when my anxiety is creeping up

-            Making sense of the anxiety: The anxiety makes sense—I care about social relationships and I want my interactions to go well. In other areas of life, I get concrete data to show me my performance is solid, but relationships don’t really operate like that, and that can be hard.

-            Experimenting with trusting instead of reassurance seeking: If I don’t send this text to see how the meeting went, can I tolerate that anxiety? If the next interactions go well, what does that show me about my performance in the meeting? What do I show myself over time by not seeking reassurance in the moment?

Reassurance seeking is common and it’s a part of being human—we’re attuned to our impact on others and we looooove guarantees that we’re on track. The work is not to eradicate reassurance seeking, but rather to notice it in a moment-by-moment way and start to observe the moments when it is and is not serving you.

High-Functioning Anxiety in High-Achieving People: What It Is and How to Work With It

Anxiety is extremely common—but it doesn’t always look the way we expect. While some people experience anxiety in visible or disruptive ways, others keep it tucked neatly below the surface. They may seem composed, capable, and on top of things from the outside, while privately managing a steady undercurrent of fear, pressure, or self-doubt.

This quieter, often invisible experience is what I refer to as high-functioning anxiety in high-functioning people—and if it resonates with you, you’re not alone.

What Is High-Functioning Anxiety?

High-functioning anxiety is what happens when someone experiences ongoing symptoms of anxiety while continuing to meet their responsibilities—often excelling at them. They are the ones who look put-together, dependable, productive, and calm, all while wrestling internally with worry, overthinking, or harsh self-criticism.

Over time, this disconnect between the internal experience and external performance can lead to a belief like, “My anxiety is what keeps everything running. If I let it go, everything will fall apart.” It’s a deeply understandable thought—but also a limiting one.

Signs of High-Functioning Anxiety in High-Achievers

High-functioning anxiety can be difficult to spot, even in ourselves. Here are some of the common ways it shows up:

• Perfectionism: Setting extremely high standards and feeling critical or ashamed when they aren’t met.

• Overthinking: Replaying conversations, decisions, or outcomes in a loop.

• Tension and restlessness: Struggling to relax or “turn off” even in moments of downtime.

• Avoiding vulnerability: Hiding anxiety in order to appear composed or competent.

• Excessive planning and control: Trying to manage uncertainty by being overly prepared.

• Physical symptoms: Chronic muscle tension, fatigue, digestive issues, or headaches.

• People-pleasing tendencies: Trying to keep others happy to avoid discomfort or rejection.

• Difficulty saying no: Taking on too much out of guilt or fear of letting others down.

If you recognize these in yourself, you’re not alone—and it’s not a personal failing. It’s a coping system that’s been in place for a long time, often built around care, responsibility, and excellence.

Why Is High-Functioning Anxiety So Often Overlooked?

One of the reasons high-functioning anxiety can persist for so long is that it looks like success. You’re getting things done. You’re showing up. Others may even praise you for your composure, your productivity, or your empathy.

But when anxiety is left unacknowledged or unaddressed, it takes a toll. It can lead to burnout, chronic stress, relationship strain, and a deeper sense of disconnection from yourself.

What makes this even trickier is that many people with high-functioning anxiety are so outwardly focused—on work, relationships, tasks, and responsibilities—that they lose touch with their internal world. The thoughts, emotions, and body sensations underneath the surface often go unnoticed or get dismissed as “not important.”

This pattern of dismissal means anxiety doesn’t get attention until it reaches all-time highs. Because these individuals can “keep it together,” it often takes a real heavy dose of disturbance to have a sense that things might be starting to intensify.

How to Work with High-Functioning Anxiety

The goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety—it’s to understand it and learn to relate to it in a more flexible, self-compassionate way. Here are a few evidence-informed strategies that I often guide clients through in therapy:

1. Name What’s Happening

Start by recognizing your experience. Your anxiety is real, even if it doesn’t “look like” what people expect. Awareness is the first step toward healing.

2. Get Curious About the Inner Critic

Most high-functioning people know their inner critic well. But have you met your inner kindness? Learning to access self-compassion—especially in moments of perceived failure or vulnerability—is a powerful way to begin shifting old patterns.

3. Explore Boundaries Through Emotional Awareness

Instead of just trying to "set better boundaries," explore what makes it hard. What emotions arise when you think about saying no? What would you need to be willing to feel in order to protect your time and energy?

4. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding

Simple mindfulness practices like deep breathing or grounding can help you connect to your internal experience instead of overriding it. Even a moment of stillness can create space to respond rather than react.

5. Reduce Reassurance-Seeking

While checking in with others can bring short-term relief, it often reinforces a reliance on external validation. Begin experimenting with uncertainty and tuning in to your own inner knowing.

6. Make Room for Pleasure and Play

Productivity isn’t the only thing that matters. Reclaim joy, rest, and creativity—without waiting until everything is “done.”

7. Work with a Psychologist

You don’t have to untangle all of this on your own. Therapy provides a space to slow down, reconnect with your internal world, and develop tools that are tailored to you.

Final Thoughts

High-functioning anxiety is common among high-achieving, thoughtful people—and it doesn’t have to run the show. By building awareness, compassion, and flexibility in how you relate to your inner experience, you can create space for more ease, authenticity, and joy.